A Bright Life

Colorscope, defying my eyes

Blanket of noise, to disguise.

Greets my ears with splatter

Of a box of Crayola – 64.

Dissipate, ambivalent yet so

Sure of itself. Stillness oh

So lovely, can you please

Cure this fever, fever, believe?

Forever undone, by the heathen

Belief of the self, self-breathing…

Not accepting small-ripple rhythms

Of jewel life’s sporadic schisms.

Words worth a thousand pictures

Unfiltered in my mind, they flood with

The light of infinite stars that never fade,

Yet somehow darkness still pervades.

Hold back, back down, down boy.

Yet I can’t seem to understand why

My intensity, so raw and abrasive

Continues to maim, so invasive.

The shame of shame is unchecked

And continues its downward spiral.

But all cannot be lost, not quite…

For these stars are inside me, tonight.

So I march, ever forward, on a path,

Seeking to fill my soul up with experiences.

But all I ever needed, all that could have been,

Was inside, and still is, and it. Is. Everything.

rockandrolltedium:

Lou Reed was standing right in front of me at the security check-in queue on my way to Berlin. When I realized it was him, I blurted out loud: “No way, it’s Lou Fucking Reed!”

He overheard that, turned around and glared at me. I felt really embarrassed.

Shortly afterwards I passed him the tray containing his jacket and Macbook Air.

by @studioirisarri

We’ll end the lies and glimmer,
for Deception’s time has passed.
Break down these shimmering
walls, to kill addictive regrets.

Cast your hands into the ocean.
Soaking up the salty air, and
give thanks to a million hosts
for bringing your body there.

Fall back into the true embrace of
a thousand coniferous friends.
Close your eyes and breathe their
infinite amounts of green.

Blink back the glisten and reflect
on all the time you’ve spent
Forcing life through a narrow
Scope of damaged belief.

We cannot own the future,
we only own our sight, so
REMEMBER!
We alone have the chance,
To occupy our minds.

12:15 pm – Grandma mentions to me that it looks nice and pretty outside…this is fairly accurate as we’re having a very sunny day for mid-November. I smile at her happiness at this simple fact, and think of my own appreciation for this respite in warm weather before the cold and gray of Chicago winter lands upon us. I also know that the wind outside makes it a bit cooler than it appears, and even though she was just outside, I do not think she remembers that it is not as warm as it looks.

12:17 pm – I am surprised when Grandma mentions that she needs to brush her teeth. Not because she already brushed them earlier this morning, but because this is normally an activity that requires prompting before she will do it. I reflect on how odd and tricky Alzheimer’s can be in terms of the back and forth of what you expect a person to be able to remember and do for themselves. It reminds me to never count anything out and not to give up, which can sometimes be a bit too easy when overwhelmed. 

12:19 pm – Following her into the bathroom, my heart sinks a bit when I realize her idea of brushing her teeth is to use a piece of tissue paper and water to wipe her teeth off; but then, as I hand her the toothbrush with toothpaste and watch her brush her teeth, I realize that the memory of the act is still very much in tact even if bits and pieces of the process are not.

12:20 pm – I am contemplative as I consider how strange and terrible Alzheimer’s can be, and how I’ve been learning about just how important the mind is in comparison to the rest of the body. Grandma turns to me when finished and says with a smile, “I’m all done now, thank you!” We walk back downstairs to the living room.

12:22 pm – Getting Grandma settled in her favorite chair, I sit down on the couch next to her and check to see that there is a TV program on she will hopefully be interested in. It reminds me that lately even TV does not hold her attention for very long. Sure enough, within a minute or two, she is up and wandering the house again.

12:24 pm – For a moment, I get a little self-indulgent, confused and melancholy that my life has changed so quickly in a matter of months. Some very amazing things have happened, such as starting my M.Ed. program and figuring out where I am headed with my professional life, but also some sad things such as leaving my life in Seattle and all those friends and memories behind for a while. But I shake myself out of this mentality as I do every time it starts to creep in, remembering that I am here because my family and Grandma need me. To do this job well, I need to stay prescient and clear-headed and remember that time is relative.

12:27 pm – I head into the kitchen to see that Grandma has begun re-arranging the items in and out of cabinets and on the counter, as she is wont to do several times throughout the day. She seems confused about where to place a pot she pulled out of the cabinet. I guide her gently to placing it back in its right spot and she turns with a smile, thanking me and saying she doesn’t know what she would do without me. I give her a hug and I am happy in the moment that she is happy.

12:28 pm – My thoughts drift back to how interesting and quickly life can move and how dangerous it is to get stuck in the past. This very real example in front of me with my Grandma makes this resoundingly clear. Our memories feel like a tangible part of us, and are perhaps necessary and good as learning tools and sources of information, but only as long as we do not rely on them as fact or reality. Whether my life is exactly what I expected or even thought I wanted at this point, it is exactly where I am. I need to embrace that to be the best caretaker and grandson I can be, while balancing it with improving myself as well.

12:30 pm – I turn on some music and Grandma dances a little bit while I begin preparing lunch for us. In the end, I think to myself “As long as I can actively work to create more happy moments for her than not, that is the best I can do.” And maybe, just maybe, that is enough.

Tranquility passes, like time in a jar
black eyes, shining ever so bright…
thoughts and time will soon crystalize,
fragile and subtly shifting in flight.

The fracture comes at quite a price,
though none know it at the time.
We fight through the night to reclaim the prize, but
will we never see the crime?

Belief in a thing that is often unseen,
hangs in the balance of whim.
Frightening naivety, hates remorse,
when it knows that it cannot win.

Failure is certain, though life is not,
yet can that be the truth?
When all we have is what seems to be given,
we scramble to retain our youth.

The tides will carry lost souls to peril,
but lost is a point of view.
Instinct surmounts impossible odds,
with tastes that come off uncouth.

Will will survive, and can it take
our energy down to zero?
The answer is naught but a callow whisper,
Caught in nativist drivel.

Forget the fate of those frozen down
by the sight of their own careless aims.
Seize what you have, and never let go…
lose glory, lose self, lose shame.

Life will tend to get busy,

With words getting in the way.

Feelings can be misleading, and

cause the ground to sway.

I’ll never let go of the good things,

for they keep me oh so safe.

But I’ll not avoid the hardships,

and simply be afraid.

Walk with me for a moment,

and help me enjoy the day.

Your light will never go out, my dear,

Try as the bitter dark may.

Swirling, delicate, petals of light,

Echo through and around the air.

The night’s bitter chill does not contain,

methods of suppression.

Holding, waiting, wanting more

than ever before…imagined.

Rushing noises of blood or water,

ears fail to analyze the succession.

Geometric thoughts explode

in infinite degrees and angles.

Fleeting like bolting foxes,

off into the night’s confession.

Wretched memories of the silly ‘used-tos’:
Don’t leave hangers on the towel rack;
Please leave the stove light on;
Pick the clothes up off the floor; and
Stop for some milk, will you?

The heart does not prepare for these things,
they aren’t taught in school.
Blessed ignorance, perhaps…but not bliss;
Certainly comfort, in twilight now.

Eternal? Yes. Sunshine? No, not really.